Proper Names and Places

At work we have these toilet seat covers called "Yours Alone". It makes me chuckle every time I go into the bathroom. They are just so properly named. I am grateful they aren't called "Share It" or "Make 'em Last" with a catchy slogan about saving the earth or using them family style.

The other night I was talking to some friends and I mentioned that I usually look at another person's mouth when they talk instead of in their eyes. It is less daunting and it works if you are not super close and face-to-face. Two of the girls tried it on each other, asking "Where am I looking now?...Eyes." ..."Where am I looking now?...Mouth." They went back and forth. Eyes. Mouth. Mouth. Eyes. Then one said, "Where am I looking now?...Boobs." It was hilarious. Days later...still funny.

Happy Birthday George!

For those of you who haven't seen Irving Berlin's classic, Holiday Inn, I am truly sorry for your loss because you probably have a piece of your heart missing. The movie debuts only one of the most inspiring songs you will ever encounter. Forget about "White Christmas", I am talking about "I Can't Tell A Lie".
In honor of George Washington's Birthday today I have provided you with the lyrics:

"I could say that you're homely
Just as homely as pie
But this is Washington's Birthday
And I've got to say you're beautiful
'Cause I can't tell a lie

I could say that you're stupid
Nothing up in your crown
But this is Washington's Birthday
And the truthful he
Of the cherry tree
Would look down on me
And frown

I could say that I hate you
If I try
But I've got to say I love you
'Cause it's February the twenty-second
And I can't tell a lie"

My sister has the pleasure of hearing me sing this to her every year. Pretty much today everyone wants to be my sister.
(Music and lyrics by Irving Berlin. Genius indeed.)

A fate worse than death...they call it laundry

Sometimes you get to the point where you either have to do laundry or buy new underwear. It had been a few weeks since I took the dreaded trip to La Scala (my old apartment complex) to do laundry. The bin in my closet was overflowing like a clogged toilet. That didn't matter. Last night I was perfectly willing to buy new underwear, but alas, I folded. (Pa-dum-ching!)
I think laundry is the most wretched chore invented by man. Who wants to wait around for a washer to finish just to put clothes in a dryer and then wait again just to spend another hour hanging and folding the laundry? "Every few weeks of my adult life. There it is. Hanging and folding. Folding and hanging. And waiting. Waiting! I can't take this no more!" (dedicated to Squints)
Although I haven't done anything drastic yet, let's just say that if I had two closets, I would fill one with underwear.

Gardener Gipping's Flower Power

When I am old and wear gaudy jewelry and drive a Jaguar, I am going to have a gardener named Gipping who will bring me fresh roses for the hall table every morning, even if he is tired and crotchety.
I love fresh flowers (more than dead or fake ones - to clarify for the daft). They have the splendid power of brightening a place up - no matter where you are. They could brighten up a drab waiting room, a depressing grave site, or even a harsh jail cell. Perhaps the unrelenting gloom of going to the DMV or standing in line at the post office would be reduced if they were partnered with a florist and had flowers strewn about. Uncanny, isn't it?
These tulips had the pleasure of being in my cubicle at work for a few days and now they have a lovely home in my bedroom. I know what you are thinking, if only you were as lucky as these tulips. Well, if your name is Gipping, you still have a chance.

Skills of the domestic sort

Through very devious means (eyes were poked, hair was pulled) I won a crock pot at my work's white elephant party. (Retail price: $16.98 at Walmart - obviously not top o' the line, but never been used.)
After yesterday's worldwide leadership training all about "Building up a Righteous Posterity" and the brief mention of the use of homemaking skills to make a home a place of love, I decided to whip up some love in the crock pot.
I woke up early this morning (Sunday) and prepared the stew and then before leaving the house at 9:10 AM I turned on the crock. Apparently Walmart's bottom of the line Crockpots do not have lights to ensure that the thing is on, just a few settings on a dial - off, keep warm, low, and high. I cranked the knob to low and shutting the kitchen door behind me, I prayed that modern science would prevail and I would have a hot meal in 10 hours.
After a long day at work, I mean church, I returned home to the wonderful smells of a working crock pot. Its debut proved that obtaining it was undeniably worth breaking my nail over. My roommates had gone for a walk as I slaved away in the kitchen. I added some potatoes to the stew and baked up some orange rolls. I tossed a salad and waited for my honored guests to arrive. Bry came over with some homemade heart-shaped biscuits. That's right homemakers, fresh heart-shaped biscuits to have with the stew.
It was a tasty meal indeed. All rejoiced. Compliments were tossed around like pillows at a sleepover. I had worked hard. Opening all of those packages was tough.
Next time someone wonders if I can cook, you just go ahead and point them to this blog. Enough said.

Work Hijinks

Sometimes work is hilarious. Here are a few good stories about a few good men.

This is my cubicle. Gail went to Kansas and brought me back John Wayne Paperdolls. I used to have John Wayne hanging in front of me and I would change his outfit every week. Well, Gail went to Europe and brought me back a spanish fan. I cut out John Wayne's Spanish outfit and printed a picture of my face that I put on it. Soon enough Dan and Gail wanted their heads on an outfit. Then I did one for Nick...and before I knew it, I had the Bioanalytical Department on my cubicle wall.

One night a bunch of people came out of the lab after a long day. It was just after the time change (no longer Day-light savings) and it was already dark. Jeremy said, "Already dark out?! That is kind of depressing." Dan said, "Kind of?" Jeremy responded "Okay, full blown."

At Christmas time we had a potluck lunch followed by a gift exchange. I had delivered my goods upstairs when I had arrived. Veronica's seven year old daughter was visiting for the day and just before lunch she asked if I had food or a present to go upstairs. I said no. Jeremy piped up and said, "I have food and a present for you." The bright eyed little girl eagerly went to his desk. "It's called a knuckle sandwich." He told her holding up his fist.

Dan went to get a haircut. His "stylist" is a woman. While she was washing his hair she was giving him a scalp massage. He was holding his neck stiff and so his stylist threw back his head and told him to relax. She began massaging again just as the radio began to play "Let's get it on".

Nick drives a Lincoln which he is very particular about. One day there were no parking places left and so he parked somewhat in the middle of the parking lot, although he was not in anyone's way. Days later we had "Cake and Appreciations" where a certificate (filled out by fellow employees when someone does something extraordinarily nice) is passed out. Although this one wasn't read out loud in front of the entire company, it was handed to Nick. It read, "To Nick 'No Big Deal' C__. In Appreciation for: showing us parking spots exist anywhere and everywhere, not just in places designated with parallel lines. Signed: Back Parking lot Frequenters".

Back when Shamu at Seaworld went crazy and pinned a trainer underwater we were talking about it at work. "He nearly died." Someone explained. Gail responded "Ha." We all looked at Gail with disgust and wonder at her callous retort. "Oh, Sorry. What you didn't hear is what went on in my head." Then she explained that she had been watching a Chris Rock comedy routine right after Sigfried and Roy's mis-hap with their tiger. The tiger attacked Roy during a show. Everyone said the tiger went crazy. Chris Rock said, "What?! That tiger didn't go crazy! That tiger went tiger!" Tigers naturally attack. So in Gail's head she was thinking, "What?! That whale didn't go crazy! That whale went whale!" Ha.

The company I work for is called MicroConstants. My coworkers love to dally in the alcohol. We had a work party where we went to the races and people got, well...sloshed. Noel was sitting behind me and said, "Wow. There are a lot of MicroConstantinos running around here."

From this MicroConstantino to you, I hope you enjoyed the comedy!

Awesomeness is black and white

"When I am sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story." - Barney Stinson

I keep getting asked, why are you so awesome? It is hard to explain. I just am.
Proof: I am taking piano lessons. I am no spring chicken, but I figured it is about time that I fulfill that duty (as a good Mormon girl). January 14th I started taking real lessons once a week.
In my four week experience, there are a couple of key things I have learned.
1 - You need to Practice.
2 - Fingers can be weak.
3 - When you practice at church during Family Home Evening other people can hear you.
Last night I arrived at the church building promptly at 7 pm for my forth lesson. I said hello to the 10 people who were at FHE on time and then snuck (not sneaked) away to the Relief Society room where I began practicing my drills and pieces. Several heads popped in while I was struggling. (That is where number 1 and 2 come in. I didn't practice like I should have last week and my fingers hurt. I figured pipetting in a lab all day would make my fingers uncontrollably strong and limber. (I have been known to strike fear in some circles - underground thumb wrestling rings for one.) Sadly I am sorely mistaken when it comes to the piano and have been told I have "weak fingers". Bah. Oh, and how can ten fingers play 88 keys anyway? I am no math major, but it doesn't calculate.) Anyway after an hour of practice I departed through the chapel so I wouldn't be seen by all the folks in the gym, but ironically I was greeted by someone who commented on my piano playing and relayed to me that during the FHE lesson the chapel doors were open and everyone in the chapel could hear me plunking away.
And that folks, is how to be awesome.